Archive for February, 2010

Damaged

Dreaming comes so easily
‘Cause it’s all that I’ve ever know
True love is a fairy tale
I’m damaged, so how would I know

I’m scared and I’m alone
I’m ashamed
And I need for you to know

I didn’t say all the things that I wanted to say
And you can’t take back what you’ve
taken away
‘Cause I feel you, I feel you near me

I didn’t say all the things that I wanted to say
And you can’t take back what you’ve
taken away
‘Cause I feel you, I feel you near me

Healing comes so painfully
And it chills to the bone
Will anyone get close to me?
I’m damaged, as I’m sure you know

There’s mending for my soul
An ending to this fear
Forgiveness for a man who was stronger
I was just a little girl, but I can’t go back

~Plumb

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Family Portrait

A Broken Family Tree

The Doll

A story I received via email today that touched my heart….

“I was walking around in a Wal Mart store, when I saw a Cashier hand this little boy some money back. The boy couldn’t have been more than 5 or 6 years old..

The Cashier said, ‘I’m sorry, but you don’t have enough money to buy this doll..’

Then the little boy turned to the old woman next to him: ”Granny, are you sure I don’t have enough money?”

The old lady replied: ”You know that you don’t have enough money to buy this doll, my dear.”

The little boy was still holding the doll in his hand..

Finally, I walked toward him and I asked him who he wished to give this doll to.

‘It’s the doll that my sister loved most and wanted so much for Christmas.
She was sure that Santa Claus would bring it to her.’

I replied to him that maybe Santa Claus would bring it to her after all, and not to worry.

But he replied to me sadly. ‘No, Santa Claus can’t bring it to her where she is now. I have to give the doll to my mommy so that she can give it to my sister when she goes there.’

His eyes were so sad while saying this.. ‘ My Sister has gone to be with God. Daddy says that Mommy is going to see God very soon too, so I thought that she could take the doll with her to give it to my sister.”

My heart nearly stopped.

The little boy looked up at me and said: ‘I told daddy to tell mommy not to go yet. I need her to wait until I come back from the mall.’  Then he showed me a very nice photo of himself. He was laughing. He then told me ‘I want mommy to take my picture with her so she won’t forget me.’

‘I love my mommy and I wish she didn’t have to leave me, but daddy says that she has to go to be with my little sister.’

Then he looked again at the doll with sad eyes, very quietly.

I quickly reached for my wallet and said to the boy. ‘Suppose we check again, just in case you do have enough money for the doll!”

OK’ he said, ‘I hope I do have enough.’ I added some of my money to his without him seeing and we started to count it. There was enough for the doll and even some spare money..

The little boy said: ‘Thank you God for giving me enough money!’

Then he looked at me and added, ‘I asked last night before I went to sleep for God to make sure I had enough money to buy this doll, so that mommy could give it to my sister. He heard me!”

‘I also wanted to have enough money to buy a white rose for my mommy, but I didn’t dare to ask God for too much.. But He gave me enough to buy the doll and a white rose.”

‘My mommy loves white roses.’

I finished my shopping in a totally different state of mind from when I started.

I couldn’t get the little boy out of my mind.

Then I remembered a local news paper article two days ago, which mentioned a drunk man in a truck, who hit a car occupied by a young woman and a little girl.  The little girl died right away, and the mother was left in a critical state. The family had to decide whether to pull the plug on the life-sustaining machine, because the young woman would not be able to recover from the coma.

Was this the family of the little boy?

Two days after this encounter with the little boy, I read in the news paper that the young woman had passed away.  I couldn’t stop myself as I bought a bunch of white roses and I went to the funeral home where the body of the young woman was for people to see and make last wishes before her burial.

She was there, in her coffin, holding a beautiful white rose in her hand with the photo of the little boy and the doll placed over her chest.

I left the place, teary-eyed, feeling that my life had been changed for ever.. The love that the little boy had for his mother and his sister is still, to this day, hard to imagine.”

And in a fraction of a second, a drunk driver had taken all this away from him.

Irony

On the first day God created the dog. God said, “Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years.” The dog said, “That’s too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I’ll give you back the other ten.”
So God agreed.

On the second day God created the monkey. God said, “Entertain people, do monkey tricks and make them laugh. I’ll give you a twenty-year life span.” The monkey said, “Monkey tricks for twenty years? I don’t think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that’s what I’ll do too, okay?”
And God agreed.

On the third day God created the cow. “You must go to the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves, and give milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of sixty years.”
The cow said, “That’s kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty and I’ll give back the other forty.”
And God agreed again.

On the fourth day God created man. God said, “Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. I’ll give you twenty years.”
Man said, “What? Only twenty years? Tell you what, I’ll take my twenty, and the forty the cow gave back, and the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back, that makes eighty, okay?”

Okay,” said God, “You’ve got a deal.”

So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, and enjoy ourselves; the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family; the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren; and the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

Quod me nutrit, me destruit

The Thorn Birds By Colleen McCullough
 
Long Ago, there was a bird who sang just once in its life.
From the moment it left its nest, it searched for a thorn tree and it would not rest until it found one.
Once found, it began to sing more sweetly than any other creature on the face of the earth.
And singing, it impaled its breast on the longest, sharpest thorn it could find.
Dying, it rose above its own agony to out-sing the lark and the nightingale.
The thorn bird pays its life for that one song and the whole world stills to listen
and God, in His heaven ~smiles.
As the best is bought only at the cost of great pain.
This beautiful creature is driven to the thorn, with no knowledge of the dying to come.
But when we press the thorn to our breast,
We know……..
We understand…..
And still……we do it.

Behold: I am I

Too often people want what they want, or think they want at the moment, which is usually “happiness” right now.  The irony of their impatience is that only by learning to wait, and by willingness to accept the bad with the good, do we usually attain those things that are truly worthwhile.
 
Sometimes I wish I wasn’t so emotionally driven, sometimes I wish I was like everyone else.  Maybe then life would be easier.  Use logic to prevail.  I don’t though, that’s the truth.  I think with my heart and my ever so strong emotions~ I’m at a point in my life where I’m looking for stability… I’m real, I’m honest and I’m full of emotion… I’m INSANE.. I am… but that’s what makes me unique and thats what makes me MAGNETIC…
 
“Sometimes we build walls around our hearts, not to keep people out but to see who cares enough to break them down.”  I’m an idealist, I am a healer, I am a teacher, I am a believer.  I am a champion of life because I will never give up.  I will continue to prove you wrong about me. I will show you and everyone else just how far I will go.  I am a good person with a pure heart.. I am proud to be what I am… I come across quiet (for many reasons)…when in actuality I love to laugh, & I am a big goof…I enjoy the simple things, passionate kisses, movies, dancing, and just spending time with my loved ones.  I am a very loyal person…I do have my own beliefs though, about the world and society.. I live my life for myself and for nobody else.. I do what makes me happy and no one has the right to judge me for that.. I come from a great family~ and by family I also mean my friends; people who are open minded enough to respect that I am an individual and I will Be The person that I was put on this earth to be.. And about Destiny.. Yes I do believe in it…
 
Basically Im just a down to earth girl trying to find my place in this world. Trying to make a living….On my journey to discovery….. I do know though, thats this is only the beginning…. Oh and I hate fake, shallow, and judgemental people.  We are all more than just the sum of our covers.
 
I am DEEPER than you think.  If you would like to contradict me, I’m game.  I can most likely figure you out within 5 minutes of having a conversation with you.  I hunger to be an obstruction of your mind.  I thirst for you to figure me out.  You have now entered my masquerade.  You can uncover your facade.  I believe myself to be genuine and I would never betray the ones I love.  I value my family, my friends, and those who are REAL.  I like to be fascinated by the anomalous.  I am constantly thinking and I love to write poetry, lyrics, about life, and oooo I love to journal.
 
I have Loved… Lost… and Learned.  The three things that every soul should feel.  I yearn for those that put a smile on my face.  I crave for the one that will give to me what I will give back.  I do not belong in anyone’s Virus. Satisfaction is found on my own.  Don’t Lust for what you See… Desire what you know.
 
Sometimes people come into your life and you know right away that they were meant to be there to serve some sort of purpose, teach you a lesson or help figure out who you are or what you want to become.  You never know who these people may be but you lock eyes with them, you know that very moment that they will affect your life in some profound way.  Sometime things happen to you at the time that may seem horrible, painful, and unfair, but in reflection you realize that without overcoming those obstacles you would never realize your potential, strength, will power or heart.  WITHOUT THESE SMALL TESTS, LIFE WOULD BE LIKE A SMOOTHLY PAVED, STRAIGHT, FLAT ROAD TO NOWHERE ~ SAFE AND COMFORTABLE BUT DULL AND UTTERLY POINTLESS.
 
The people you meet affect your life, The successes and downfalls that you experience can create whom you are, and the bad experiences can be learned from.  In fact they are probably the most poignant and important ones.  If someone hurts you, betrays you or breaks your heart, forgive them because they have helped you learn about trust and the importance of being cautious to whom you open your heart.  If someone loves you, “LOVE THEM BACK UNCONDITIONALLY” not only because they love you, but also because they are teaching you to love and open your heart and eyes to little things.  Make every day count. Appreciate everything that you possibly can, for you may never experience it again.
 
I AM AN OPEN-MINDED PERSON, WHICH IS WHY I AM WILLING TO ACCEPT A FRIENDSHIP FROM ALMOST ANYONE.  LEARN TO LOVE ALL, TRUST A FEW, KEEP YOUR LOVED ONES CLOSE TO HEART, AND DO WRONG TO NONE.

♥ Love and Nectar ♥

Tell me what you ache for.  I don’t want to hear one more dysfunctional family history as an explanation for your current human frailties.  Let me taste your stories in the salt of the tears I brush from your eyelashes.  I long for a slow motion meander in the getting familiar places.  I want to spiral close, almost touching, to the place where we can feel the heat in the air between us; an unhurried journey as we sift through new scents of each other, let them linger, breathe them in.  Allow our bodies and hearts to taste the impulse to move toward each other.

I want to be courted by the truth.  Let the stories that are telling our lives spin out in long multi-colored threads.  Don’t tell me too much too soon. Don’t hide anything.  Tell the tales of your heart; offer them like perfect pearls coming up from the depths of the sea to be strung together, each gently clicking against the other~ luminous and iridescent as they come.  Ten years from now I want to hear a story from your childhood that I have never heard before and know the delight and ongoing awe of seeing each other for the first time, again and again.

Give me each picture perfectly and slowly so I can sit with it and find you, and the glimpse of me, and the foreshadows of us there in the details.  I want to talk in seemless conversation all night long and find ourselves able to hold the silence together; our intimacy sharpened by shared solitude.

It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living.  I want to know what you ache for, and if you dare to dream of meeting your hearts longing.  It doesn’t interest me how old you are.  I want to know how much life you’ve lived.  I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love; for your dream, or for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring your moon.  I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by lifes betrayals or have become shrivelled and closed from fear of further pain.  I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it, fade it, or fix it.  I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own; if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you without cautioning us to be careful, be realistic, or remembering the limitations of being human.

It doesn’t interest me if the story you are telling me is true.  I want to know if your story is your own; one you created or if someone created it for you.  I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself or are you so loyal you will betray yourself to save the feelings of another.  Can you bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul?
 
I want to know you: your past, your dreams for the future, who you are now. I want to love you, be there for you, share our worlds together.  This, above all else is the meaning of true love.  Come- find me as I find you.  Hold my hand and hold me close as we jump into chaos and into the unknown…….

~Oriah Mountain Dreamer, “The Invitation”